Donna Woodmore  Parenthood  Reality Read on...

1 reality

Oh! How I long to go back to the days of innocently gazing into my first newborns eyes in awe of the unique and special person I had created! Reality smashed me off that high many, many moons ago! This is the same child that now pats me on the head and lovingly tells me I’m strange, bless him! Those chubby little feet I would lovingly nibble have turned into an athlete’s foot riddled stinking mass of designer trainer induced blisters that I try to stay as far away as possible from. (Sorry son)

These entire precious moments stem from illusions all those in the know create, I’m sure there are many battle weary parents out there that get a sick sense of pleasure from watching a new mother and her child, just knowing….. That’s enough, but I guess unless you’ve been there you will never really understand. Motherhood is responsible for twisting minds, seriously!

I now know the day I told my mother I was expecting, that poor woman must’ve gone through so many emotions, her little mind full of worries for the future, joy at her first grandchild, but yes, there really WAS that gleam in her eye that said “YES! It’s your turn now.” I’d like to say she then sat back to enjoy the ride, but being typical offspring, I made sure she sat in the seat next to me, buckled up, and yep, she’s still there now….. Grandchildren…….Just when you thought it was safe to down the knitting needles, be complacent about the first aid kit, sorry people, it just never stops!

Do you remember how great it felt in those young carefree days when you were free, the day you left school joyfully ready to take the world on? Yeah so do I, I never thought I’d be summoned to the head teachers desk again, or coming up with the most inventive ideas for homework that just didn’t happen, but here I go again, but this time it’s tougher, much tougher and it gets even worse when you realise you now understand a teachers warped sense of humour, it’s really time to worry when you’re on the wrong side of it!

I have this little fantasy, I will go to an open evening and be given a glowing report and come out with a glowing sense of pride at this little responsible, productive member of society I have given to the world.

Then I wake up, and wonder what I have inflicted on our long suffering planet, I look at my little treasures, reminisce about the dead fly collection (long story all will be explained), the cultures growing under their beds, and worry about the sheer enormity of strange things that go on in those little heads and think to myself, “our life depends on this generation and it’s all my doing!”

Note to the future: Please forgive me!

Please don’t get me wrong, I love them, I love them with every fibre of my being, I love everything about them, but will anyone else? If I could change a thing, it would be me, not them, they are perfect, as a mother I am proud of all of my gorgeous kids, whatever they do, whoever they become, I will always stand proud at their side, because the funny thing is, as a parent, when things go wrong (and they do………often) It’s never the Childs fault, it’s simply your failings as a parent.

The times I have gone over the if only and maybes, but that’s why we are here, we are the cause of a troubled generation, yep, it’s all our fault!

Another thing, I can moan as much as I like, I can call them the most disgusting creatures on Earth, I can point out their mistakes and correct them, as a mother, it is my duty.

Dare anyone else! Should anyone criticise or comment on any aspect of my Childs bad habits or social failings, they find themselves at the mercy of my fury! To anyone outside of my little house of horrors, my children are pure angels and dare anyone tell me different!

Well…… that’s how it was at first anyway!

One of the first valuable lessons I had to learn was other people don’t view my offspring in the same way, and I had to learn to welcome and devour humble pie!

It hurts at first, but with a bit of practice you learn to do it with a smile, albeit not a genuine one, but a smile it is.

I like and admire the other parents I meet up the school, with the same look of exasperation, quiet knowledge, and sheer devotion in their eyes, it’s like an unspoken language that only other parents know, and it’s usually only seen in the eyes of parents with two or more children, sorry all those with an only child, for fear of offending many, but only children have the most difficult parents in the world, for they never accept that illusions are there to be shattered, the only child does no wrong and knows it! These kids are great they manipulate and brainwash parents at a very early age, I imagine they then grow to become politicians.

Children are refreshingly honest!

No, that’s not quite right, children are honest. It’s not refreshing, but it is beneficial to inner growth (of the parent) you find yourself learning to cope with more humiliating moments than you ever imagined possible! And still you smile! Only because there is absolutely nothing else you can do about it apart from wishing the ground would open up and swallow you! To be a good parent you have to learn to laugh at yourself, lots!

Maybe I should explain why I may come across as cynical, I’d like to give an average day as an example, but try as I might, I don’t think I have had an average day since I left the workforce and fell into motherhood!

However I have had many a day so crazy unless you lived it, you’d never believe it!

One thing with Children is the way they manage to save bacteria from extinction, they harbour and breed them and joyfully share them with whoever dares get close enough, take the other night for example, I felt ill, and I mean really ill, the bathroom and I became good friends that night as I seemed physically unable to leave that damn room, before I knew it, the sun was rising, the monsters were stirring and I just knew it was going to be a very long time before my head hit the pillow again!

I managed a smile, I crawled out of the bathroom and dragged the lazy ones out of bed to get ready for school and was determined, come what may, today I would ride the storm, for tomorrow would be easier (damn fool)!

I managed to get to the bottom stair before I realised today was going to be a tougher challenge than I imagined, for there on the stairs was a little mouse, a very little mouse, in fact about half a mouse, you see my girls are typical girls and go gooey over every little cute kitten they see, so much so we have a pride of cats guarding the house, (mostly upstairs because the pride doesn’t care much for the pack of dogs downstairs), ok I’m exaggerating, but I am entitled to!

I swiftly disposed of the rodent remnants, gave the innocent looking kitty an evil glare, explained the cat psychology to the little ones mourning the mouse and began my day only to find one of my beautiful felines has disagreed with the mouse and had thrown up further down the hall! But did I crack? No, I dealt with it, and proceeded to organise the kids for school, mission accomplished!

I had the illusion of getting back from the school and collapsing with a coffee, but the phone had other ideas! Suddenly I was miss popular and everyone had decided to harass me on the same day, finally get off the phone, show the floor the Hoover before it was time to collect my little honeys from school.

Wayne is scratching his head like he has lice or something…. Oh great, he has!

From mum to nit nurse in 30 seconds, now when you have 6 children, nits are a nightmare, if one has them, they usually all have, delouse 2 young boys, shave hair, tell them it’s trendy and check the others, by now the girls are frantic! Thankfully manage to reassure them they are fine as are the other two lads!

Manage to talk 10 year old Wayne out of the idea they would make great pets, but still he cries when I put his favourite louse in the bin, then mourns for it’s uncles and brothers

I always tried to instil the importance of respecting all life, however small and irritating, but now I wonder if I took it too far!

Crisis over, but hang on we have another…. Plastic piggy bought at Margate is losing his poo, serious this is a disaster, hours of fun have been had with this disgusting little toy, when you squeeze his little belly, brown gungy stuff oozes out its rear, causing much hilarity and sticky marks all over my walls and ceiling. I don’t know how it got on the ceiling and I have no desire to find out, anyway, the poo has permanently escaped and I have sad little faces all around me hopefully waiting for me to cure it.

After half an hour with a pen up the pigs bum and goo all over the place, I quit and promise to try again later.

By now, I have an itchy head and am wondering if it’s paranoia of the dreaded bugs, so I manage to escape to the bathroom and condition and comb my hair, just then adult daughter Chloe phones, she’s left home for the week, staying away for the first time working right at the other end of the country, the whole time she’s gone I am torn between wanting to phone her and see how she’s getting on, and respecting her first steps into the adult world without me fussing over her. I decide to fuss and have bombarded the poor girl with text messages, she finally cracks and decides to phone while I am on my knees hanging over the bath, enter hubby, phone in hand relaying messages between me and her, laughing like an idiot the whole time!

Thankfully, it seems I was just paranoid! Hair clean, kids in bed, another day done, but I am still left with the guilt of not having a proper chat to Chloe, but hope she understands my predicament.

The house is now quiet, my head is thumping and my bed is calling me. My better half tells me I’m a true sex goddess! What planet is that bloke on?